Anomaly Undead

Never before have I desired so badly to just end it all.
I'm considering it so badly that I don't know if I will make it through this week.

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless, 
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home, 
It was a flood that wrecked this... 

... and you caused it... 
... and you caused it... 
... and you caused it... 

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette, 
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget, 
My eyes ae damp from the words you left, 
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one, 
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun, 
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it, 
And you caused it, 
And you caused it

I just need to get it out, you know?
Let everything that I hold inside of me out.
And the only way to do so would be crying. It doesn't take much before I do so, though.
Watching sad scenes.
Ever watched Skins? Do it.
And make sure you watch the UK version - not the crappy US one.
That made me depressed. Made me cry.
And it felt so good to get it out.

I cried tonight.
But I want to cry more. I need to be alone. Don't want any questions. 

I know what I want. I want to get fucked up. To forget. 
I want to get proper fucked up, taha.
I need it.
I need an hour or so where these thoughts doesn't swirl around in the back of my head all the time. I want to be happy for once. Just a short amount of time.
But it's not that easy is it?
Nope. It's not.

One day I'll get fucked up so badly.
And I promise that day is closing in pretty quickly.
I can't take this anymore.

...'cause most of our feelings, they are dead and gone. 

I feel that's the most accurate way to describe how I feel. 
When I'm happy I don't think. At all. I just.. exist. As does all the things around me.
But then it's like I'm sucked back into my mind again, and I can't find the way out.
It's rather seldom I do, as a matter of fact. 

But truth to be told, I don't mind being lost in my head. 
 

It isn't far betewen happiness and depression. 

In half an hour I went from being probably the happiest person alive, to want to run into the road infront of a trailer or a bus. 

I have a huge craving for death now. 
It's a shame, isn't it? I'm 17 - soon 18, and I want to die, while there are people all around me that wants to live. They nag about how precious life is, and I can see their point - I just don't care.
I don't really feel anymore. Whatever emotions I have are just on the surface, and last for a short period of time. How did it come to this? I wish I knew.

It's not like I want to be like this - all destroyed and drained of life. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to see the bad in nearly everything. I don't want to hope I'll die in some sort of an accident.
I don't want to have a deathwish. Yet here I am.
Cutting myself - terrified people will find ut and send me to an therapist or whatever, because I am "ill".

I just want to die. I don't want this anymore.
I'd do anything to be happy - truly happy. To have more than an hour a day where I smile for real. I want to forget.
The only thing that allows me to forget is music. It takes me away to another world where I have no worries, and people know how I feel. Sometimes it feels like music is the only thing I have.

So these are my confessions to you;
 Hey.
I cut. 
I'm suicidal.
I've already planned my death. 

I just wanted you to know that you wouldn't have left me behind - I'd follow suit. If the day comes and I get a phone saying you're gone, I promise I won't tak long before I'm there with you. 

tell yourself it's never gonna happen again! 

I am a silly little girl, aren't I? 
It seems as if I don't think things through, doesn't it?
The answer would be yes.

The other day I took the scissor in the bathroom, and drew it over the skin of my wrist.
Left a scarlet red straigh line, it did.
It wasn't deep - barely drew blood. But now, every time I see my wrist it's a scarlet red beautiful line there. 

Problem is that I have football practice tomorrow, and I can't really wear long sleeves. That would be silly.
Otherwise than that there isn't really a problem.
My family consists of ignorant persons, they don't see. Or perhaps I'm just that good at faking smiles. That's a possibility too. 

Gotta go, my hip bones look white - they could use som scarlet red to make them outstanding and beautiful.

 [title: Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus]

That moment when you realize that you're mainly all alone in this world... 
Even though I've known for a long time that I'm mainly on my own - with the exception of a few close friends, it still feels as a punch to the gut when you truly realize it.
I'm not saying this because I'm depressed and sad and just want to fall asleep, never to awake again.
No, I'm saying this in a matter-of-factly - perhaps even painfully cynical - manner.

I realized that during the years, friends has come and go as it suits them. Sure, maybe I haven't fought for them as hard as I shouldæve, and that's a part of the reason why I've lost them.. But then again...
When I find small letters and notes where they promise to stay in my life forever.. To know they walked out on their promise is hard.
Do I regret be-friending them? No. They've made me the person I am today.
You may not believe it, but I am quite content with myself. Even the sad, depressed me.
I am.
as simply as that.

What'cha gonna do about it?

[Tilte: B.O.B - Ghost in the Machine] 

... is it? No. Nothing's ever simple. But why does it have to be so hard? 

I think I hate Christmas. It means nothing to me, except spendind time with my family; a family that doesn't know me, and make it seem as if my younger sister is everything. 

I need to get out. Two weeks off school, stuck at home... It eats at me. The emptiness and darkness within me finally takes over as I am mostly left on my own. I can't explain it though. 
I've faked smiles so incredibky many times these last two weeks. I don't look forward to school tomorrow. It will be pain. Everybody will wish me a happy new year, smile and ask for what I got for Christmas. Then they will brag about what they got, and they will expect me to be all cheery and happy for them. But I don't know if I can fake it tomorrow. I'm so sick of it all. Don't want it no more. 

Sing me to sleep 
Sing me to sleep 
And then leave me alone 
Don't try to wake me in the morning 
'Cause I will be gone 
Don't feel bad for me 
I want you to know 
Deep in the cell of my heart 
I will feel so glad to go  

[title: Isles & Glaciers - Clush]
[Lyrics in text: The Smiths - Asleep] 

That's how it feels like sometimes. 
Reality just hits me, and destroy whatever hopes and dreams I have.
And I'm left standing there - all alone, without a dream in my heart.  

But I guess that's normal. No? Yes? What do I know. 

[title: Blue Moon - Ella Fitzgerald]