Situation Overload

I've given up. Everything.
Feels like I'm not gonna last another moment. I'm fucked, okay?
Nothing I ever do is gonna be good enough anyway. I'll never be able to accomplish
what people expect me to. I'll just be a big failure, not only letting down myself, but them too.
I'm a liar and a cheat. I'm a nobody. I'll never be.

Things never turn out the way you want them to. N E V E R.
And whatever you do, N E V E R get your hopes up. The world will just bring you
down anyway. That's what I've learned today.

Like Austin Carlile's said:
"Glad I've grown accustom to being let down. It never catches me by surprise anymore."

Up and away, I'll take you with me

Trust me when I say that I couldn't have had a better friend than you. You're everything I could ask for and more, and when you achieve something, I'm always insanely happy and proud of you. I am, and I always will be.

It's weird, isn't it? haha! We've never been the normal kind of best friends. I mean, we talk about things that I can't talk to anyone else about, yet we never talk about how we're really hanging on. But then again, I thing it's because whenever I hang with you, my mind is taken off of all that stuff. I actually feel happy when you're around. So just by sending me a text makes my day. To know that you know.. Don't think that you're not here for me, because you are. More than anyone else. You & music are the only things that makes me think of something else, makes me feel alive and that things are okay.

I know that I can talk to you, but I just don't know what to say. I mean, how do you even start?
"Hey. I want to die.I'm not okay, I'm never truly okay."
I don't know.. Besides, I forget about these things when I'm around you, 'cause you know me so well, you're yourself and that makes me feel so good. And I can be myself around you. I don't have to fake anything, and that's such a relief!
I mean, I don't think I've ever faked a smile in front of you. Because I don't have to. 'Cause you're the bestest mate I could ever ask for. And I've always thought that it's been you and me against the world, and that it'll always be this way. And somehow this comforts me. To know that no matter what you're here for me, and I'm here for you. That you know my darkest secrets, although I've never told you directly.

But then I think about how you know what it's like. And that thought is enough to get me down, because you are such a wonderful person. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and I hate to know that you have these feelings and thoughts too. That you think you're not good enough, screwed up, that you're nothing. Because in reality you are everything to me. You're what keeps me sane. You're my rock. And I love you, man.

I'll tell you one day, I just have to figure out how to start.

So you don't really have to do anything special to help me, just do what you've always done; be my friend. My best friend. My soulmate.
You just get me, and you get my crazy antics.

Us against the world, man. Us against the world.

[Save you tonight - One Direction]


I don't even know where to start.

Lately things have gotten so much worse. I don't even know what triggers it. It's like.. I start dreaming of something, and BOOM! Depressed.
I had a good period, I reckon. I mean, I didn't feel shit. Nada. And it was good, 'cause I didn't really need an escape from real life.
But then I began dreaming. Dreaming of fucking happiness. And it's like whatever superstitious powers are out there can't handle this fact.
They can't live with me actually being somewhat happy. And now it's worse than it's ever been.

I feel like breaking down every moment now. And the fake smiles.. They're killing me. I can't take it anymore. My wrist is burning. Seriously! And I haven't cut yet! But I feel like cutting my entire sleeve. Fucking up myself. I want to stab myself, shoot myself, rip off my hair, rip out my eyes, scream, kick, cry, DIE.
I really don't know what to do.
I want to die, but I can't. Because that means fucking up my parents' life, my entire family's life, my friend's life? I don't know..
But I don't want them to suffer, so I'll suffer instead. Maybe that's my punishment? To live?

I want to get cancer. I want to get terminally cancer, and die. Slowly. Painfully. That's what I deserve for being such a fuck up.
Mom, dad, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I never was the girl you hoped for me to be, I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, I'm sorry for being born, I'm sorry for being your daugher.
But I love you, I love you so much, and therefore I don't want to kill myself. Because I know that you love me, something I by the way can't phatom.
How can you love me, when I hate myself so much?
Why can't I love myself? Why can't I be happy? Don't I deserve it? Have I done something wrong? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get a somewhat easy life?
At least easier than this...

I know, okay? I know I am fuckings lucky.
My parents are married, we have a decent house, dog, four cars, we're not poor.. I have every reason to be happy. But I'm not. You can't even imagine.
I feel like crying everyday I wake up and realize that I'm still alive.
I really want to die.
But I don't want to cause any pain.

And I shout 'forgive me', but there's no God listening

Never before have I desired so badly to just end it all.
I'm considering it so badly that I don't know if I will make it through this week.

Our minds are troubled by the emptiness

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones.
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We're setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this...

... and you caused it...
... and you caused it...
... and you caused it...

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silouhette,
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget,
My eyes ae damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I'm forever missing him.

And you caused it,
And you caused it,
And you caused it

I just need to get it out, you know?
Let everything that I hold inside of me out.
And the only way to do so would be crying. It doesn't take much before I do so, though.
Watching sad scenes.
Ever watched Skins? Do it.
And make sure you watch the UK version - not the crappy US one.
That made me depressed. Made me cry.
And it felt so good to get it out.

I cried tonight.
But I want to cry more. I need to be alone. Don't want any questions.

I know what I want. I want to get fucked up. To forget.
I want to get proper fucked up, taha.
I need it.
I need an hour or so where these thoughts doesn't swirl around in the back of my head all the time. I want to be happy for once. Just a short amount of time.
But it's not that easy is it?
Nope. It's not.

One day I'll get fucked up so badly.
And I promise that day is closing in pretty quickly.
I can't take this anymore.

...'cause most of our feelings, they are dead and gone.

You're Lost In Your Head Again

I feel that's the most accurate way to describe how I feel.
When I'm happy I don't think. At all. I just.. exist. As does all the things around me.
But then it's like I'm sucked back into my mind again, and I can't find the way out.
It's rather seldom I do, as a matter of fact.

But truth to be told, I don't mind being lost in my head.

And the loneliness increases

I'm writing these confessions to you.

It isn't far betewen happiness and depression.

In half an hour I went from being probably the happiest person alive, to want to run into the road infront of a trailer or a bus.

I have a huge craving for death now.
It's a shame, isn't it? I'm 17 - soon 18, and I want to die, while there are people all around me that wants to live. They nag about how precious life is, and I can see their point - I just don't care.
I don't really feel anymore. Whatever emotions I have are just on the surface, and last for a short period of time. How did it come to this? I wish I knew.

It's not like I want to be like this - all destroyed and drained of life. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to see the bad in nearly everything. I don't want to hope I'll die in some sort of an accident.
I don't want to have a deathwish. Yet here I am.
Cutting myself - terrified people will find ut and send me to an therapist or whatever, because I am "ill".

I just want to die. I don't want this anymore.
I'd do anything to be happy - truly happy. To have more than an hour a day where I smile for real. I want to forget.
The only thing that allows me to forget is music. It takes me away to another world where I have no worries, and people know how I feel. Sometimes it feels like music is the only thing I have.

So these are my confessions to you;
I cut.
I'm suicidal.
I've already planned my death.

So I need you

I just wanted you to know that you wouldn't have left me behind - I'd follow suit. If the day comes and I get a phone saying you're gone, I promise I won't tak long before I'm there with you.


Cover up with make-up in the mirror,

tell yourself it's never gonna happen again!

I am a silly little girl, aren't I?
It seems as if I don't think things through, doesn't it?
The answer would be yes.

The other day I took the scissor in the bathroom, and drew it over the skin of my wrist.
Left a scarlet red straigh line, it did.
It wasn't deep - barely drew blood. But now, every time I see my wrist it's a scarlet red beautifulline there.

Problem is that I have football practice tomorrow, and I can't really wear long sleeves. That would be silly.
Otherwise than that there isn't really a problem.
My family consists of ignorant persons, they don't see. Or perhaps I'm just that good at faking smiles. That's a possibility too.

Gotta go, my hip bones look white - they could use som scarlet red to make them outstanding and beautiful.

[title: Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus]

Read More In Archive August 2012 June 2012 May 2012