Anomaly Undead

It isn't far betewen happiness and depression. 

In half an hour I went from being probably the happiest person alive, to want to run into the road infront of a trailer or a bus. 

I have a huge craving for death now. 
It's a shame, isn't it? I'm 17 - soon 18, and I want to die, while there are people all around me that wants to live. They nag about how precious life is, and I can see their point - I just don't care.
I don't really feel anymore. Whatever emotions I have are just on the surface, and last for a short period of time. How did it come to this? I wish I knew.

It's not like I want to be like this - all destroyed and drained of life. I don't want to be numb, I don't want to see the bad in nearly everything. I don't want to hope I'll die in some sort of an accident.
I don't want to have a deathwish. Yet here I am.
Cutting myself - terrified people will find ut and send me to an therapist or whatever, because I am "ill".

I just want to die. I don't want this anymore.
I'd do anything to be happy - truly happy. To have more than an hour a day where I smile for real. I want to forget.
The only thing that allows me to forget is music. It takes me away to another world where I have no worries, and people know how I feel. Sometimes it feels like music is the only thing I have.

So these are my confessions to you;
 Hey.
I cut. 
I'm suicidal.
I've already planned my death.