I don't even know where to start.

Lately things have gotten so much worse. I don't even know what triggers it. It's like.. I start dreaming of something, and BOOM! Depressed.
I had a good period, I reckon. I mean, I didn't feel shit. Nada. And it was good, 'cause I didn't really need an escape from real life.
But then I began dreaming. Dreaming of fucking happiness. And it's like whatever superstitious powers are out there can't handle this fact.
They can't live with me actually being somewhat happy. And now it's worse than it's ever been.

I feel like breaking down every moment now. And the fake smiles.. They're killing me. I can't take it anymore. My wrist is burning. Seriously! And I haven't cut yet! But I feel like cutting my entire sleeve. Fucking up myself. I want to stab myself, shoot myself, rip off my hair, rip out my eyes, scream, kick, cry, DIE.
I really don't know what to do.
I want to die, but I can't. Because that means fucking up my parents' life, my entire family's life, my friend's life? I don't know..
But I don't want them to suffer, so I'll suffer instead. Maybe that's my punishment? To live?

I want to get cancer. I want to get terminally cancer, and die. Slowly. Painfully. That's what I deserve for being such a fuck up.
Mom, dad, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I never was the girl you hoped for me to be, I'm sorry for all the pain I've ever caused you, I'm sorry for being born, I'm sorry for being your daugher.
But I love you, I love you so much, and therefore I don't want to kill myself. Because I know that you love me, something I by the way can't phatom.
How can you love me, when I hate myself so much?
Why can't I love myself? Why can't I be happy? Don't I deserve it? Have I done something wrong? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get a somewhat easy life?
At least easier than this...

I know, okay? I know I am fuckings lucky.
My parents are married, we have a decent house, dog, four cars, we're not poor.. I have every reason to be happy. But I'm not. You can't even imagine.
I feel like crying everyday I wake up and realize that I'm still alive.
I really want to die.
But I don't want to cause any pain.


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